May 30, 2010. Blog #16

What are the Rules?

Rule maker, rule breaker,

Who makes the Rules?

The last few days, as I have reached a further stage of relaxation and inner stillness,
secure enough to allow the creative muse to flow, my Type 4 enneagram experiences equanimity and fullness. My mind and heart are full of poetry and ideas. Interestingly, as the enneagram predicts, in low stress, secure situations, my personality, ego patterns tend toward the enneagram type 1. Type 1 is the perfectionist, with the most active inner critic, judging without mercy, striving to perfect the rules. Here, alone, I can detect my inner critic, rule maker, since there is no one to project my less desirable shadow legislator, executive, and judge upon.

As I have enjoyed the sunny climate of southern Crete, I noticed an inner rule arise, “avoid the sun between 11:00-11:30 until 3:00-3:30.”. Of course, this is a wise rule of thumb, protective from painful sunburn. My dermatologist would approve of this limiting my skin’s irradiation. But so easily, unconsciously, I can turn this benign rule into a law. I am no longer free to choose when and where I will swim. Traveling east, following the coast road, I went down numerous rough gravelly tracks to beautiful isolated beaches to investigate the “best”, most ideal beach (met a list of previously unrealized criteria: Warm and sunny, sandy, shallows give way to adequate depths rapidly, rocky outcroppings where snorkeling might find the fish hiding, places of shade, isolated, no or few people, sheltered from heavy wind and surf, and before 11:00 or after 3:30.

As I drove and explored, I found multiple “ideal” beaches, but it was midday, so my inner rule was dominating in the background, providing me with a sense of virtue for my prudent self control, Ughhh! After 3:30, I did find an excellent beach that met the specs :–). But I became aware of how many beaches I had found, in the heat of the day, I could have taken a spontaneous relaxing dip, not long enough to burn. However, my inner critic denied me the freedom to enjoy the fortune of beach wealth when I saw it, rather than defer gratification unnecessarily.

The first week that I was here, I chose to follow a hidden inner rule that said I should walk, stay close to home as opposed to get a rental car, which might tempt me to drive all over to see the sites, and not allow myself to settle in and do little or nothing and truly rest. When I did contract for a rental car on the 8th day, I had to contend with a subtle guilt and chastening. My inner ascetic, simple living, barefoot hippie self should save money, not drive a car, use fossil fuel, or speed along the road, less aware of the birds and flowers etc.

I discovered a similar rule, that I should cook my meals at home, simplicity and frugality, rather than than go out to eat at local restaurants. Now, my stomach was a little uneasy the first few days and Greek food is known to be oily with the Mediterranean diet ideal, olive oil. But, a small part of me felt smug and righteous at the end of the first week, when I had eaten only once at a restaurant. There goes that inner ascetic guy again.

One day, as I prepared to go for a walk, I took my IPod to listen to some Paul Simon as I walk/danced along. I noted that I was breaking a rule that I had been following for weeks, “I shouldn’t listen to my IPod (which I love to do when I walk); I should listen to the sounds of nature, be more present to what is, in my environment.”. Now, like the above rules, this has value and truth in it, an awareness reminder, but making it into a rule or judgement self limits my own freedom. I act as if I cannot trust myself to make good decisions and avoid temptation etc. Hmmmm.

My inner observer noted another rule, quiet inner opinion, ” If I want to figure things out and write creatively, I have to isolate, limit distractions, including human contact…”

I noted a strong recurrent rule that I should not read exciting, absorbing escape novels that I enjoy, like Clive Cussler on my Kindle, but instead should read poetry and spiritual, existential writings in order to get the fullest and best use of this rare prolonged personal time. It was somehow, as if I had to do penance and self deny in return for the grace of this sabbatical time. With the help of my inner observer, I recognized a potent long term underlying rule that is very pervasive, I should make “good use” of the time, “constructively redeem” the time, whatever that means. I shouldn’t fuck off too much. (Why ever not?)

All of these rules or statements had proved valuable at some point in my life. Deferred gratification, self-denial, ascetism, diligence, hard work, effort fulness were the way to succeed. It worked great in my roles as student, doctor, and family man, but it quietly sabotaged my soul’s inner and outer freedom.

It is not surprising that freedom, release, and spontaneous having fun have been a self denied option that a major part of me longed for. My inner oppressor, my diligent, responsible, “good Gary”, has been rewarded and experienced inner judgement of virtue, while life enhancing, spontaneous, wild and free, creative and alive personae had to stay “seated” :–(. There was always a sense that I should “love my neighbor more than my self, because I was too selfish to start with. Hmmmm, where did that belief come from? And how did it become such a long lasting, one-sided belief system?
Asceticism and selfdenial, rules against freedom were great tools to civilize my personality that wanted to run wild, as a kid. But they really took root and predetermined the shape of growth as I matured.

So, now, what’ s up with all this rule shit? I have always loved the Tracy Chapman song, “Let’s break the rules tonight!”. I love Dirk Pitt, Clive Cussler’s hero, because he is successful rule breaker. James Bond, Butch Cassidy, Calamity Jane, their “devil may care” feisty, wild demeanor has been a shadow ego ideal :~>). Yeah!!!! Even the “govenator-terminator” got a free pass because he seemed so good at making and breaking his own rules. I invite you to see if you have some secret admiration for “wild, bad boys (Mel Gibson?), Mad Max, Lethal weapon, and Braveheart, the bloodiest crucifixion of Jesus on record, also bipolar, antisemitic, and alcoholic, what’s not to like….?? What red blooded American man held JFK’s trysts with Marilyn Monroe against him? And then there are the fundamentalists and televangelists, who declaim fire and brimstone upon the gay, the sexually active, rule breakers, whose shadow is so unconscious that it can take them them over and they are found having adulterous, gay, or prostitutive sexual liaisons, etc.

The beautiful world’s princess, Diana, bore the world’s idealizing projections and suffered with an eating disorder, a profligate prince and lethal paparazzi. We project our ego ideal, who we secretly wish we could be, or could live our idealized life, on people, no matter the gritty realities. In the same way we project our evil twin, our rule breaker onto movie heroes and historical or public figures, so that we don’t have to know about it in ourselves.

And now, many baby boomers and those younger have grown up in the age of the rich, powerful, successful geek who remade the rules for how to be cool.

Who knows what the rules are? And how do we balance which rules to follow and which to break? My inner observer develops ever more awareness of unnecessary rules that could easily be simple guidelines or items to consider rather than life governing laws. I consider the Buddhist rule of “harmlessness” to be a remarkably clear and relatively flexible code, especially when looked at in the past, present, and future, the long term. Certainly, Jesus summing up all the of the commandments and laws of the Torah, fulfilled, not broken, in the commandment/invitation to “love God with whole heart, mind, and spirit, and our neighbor as ourselves.” I notice the commandment includes love of God and self, as Jesus showed us how, as well as his demonstration of love of neighbor. Jesus’ only real rule was the law of love. I can’ t fault that wise guideline very much.

I invite you to ask your self a few questions and then watch and listen for the answers.

What hidden rules do you find yourself governed by? Who are your shadow rule-breaking heroes? Who is, how active is, your inner critic, shadow judge and enforcer?
Does your inner observer allow you to detect inner beliefs and rules, and give you a choice as to whether to follow or discard them? Are there any basic rules of life you hold or want to keep for guidance?

Out beyond beyond the fields of wrong doing and right doing,
there’s a field, I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas and language, even the phrase, each other
doesn’t make sense.

Rumi