May 24, 2012 Blog 12

Part of the reason, for taking the radical step of closing my practice and taking a full year’s sabbatical has been chronic neck and back pain that has defied eclectic, diligent, and multiple therapies, ergonomics, exercises etc etc over 5-6 years. And I have had an inner conviction ( could be wrong:-) that it could be healed, if I could find the underlying imbalance, misalignment, from a whole person standpoint and practice thinking, living, moving, walking, sitting, standing, sleeping, eating, breathing, relating etc. differently. I have acted on the belief that I might heal through some kind of change in my ego holding pattern, the way I hold myself and my reality throughout the day, in response to my inner and outer life. If it doesn’t heal me, it sure keeps life interesting and alive.

40 years of study, clinical and intuitive care of whole persons and my own illness has caused me to believe that for every psychosomatic illness that may be caused my mind-body-spirit imbalance, there is a real somatic component, degenerative discs, herniation, and old injuries. And I have been convinced that my pain syndrome is a result of overdevelopment in one area of life and underdevelopment in another area of mind-body-spirit. In some way, it is related to excess effort full striving in one area of my life to the exclusion of less developed aspects. ( like running long distance with one leg longer than the other, your spine will talk to you)

Early useful, but ultimately unhealthful learnings, such as “always work before you play” and “the work is never done”. Pleasure and having fun are frivolous and a distraction. Your body is meant to be a vehicle to accomplish what is needed, take care of it (regular oil change and lube jobs). On this earth we are supposed to suffer. It is virtuous to suffer doing good things. Pain is a result of our faults, so expect it. We cannot grow or really understand the truth of life without suffering our own pain. All of these and other old adages buried in my psyche, some generational, and some from childhood, amount to a new beatitude, “blessed are those who suffer pain stoically, for they shall be admired and comforted…rewarded? This one is not in the bible, it feels like legacy of previous suffering Irish Catholics on my mom’s side and Calvinists on my dad’s. Messages like, “ah well, it’s just the way of things…..”, or “you don’t think about it, you just do what you have to do…. “etc served my mom and dad’s generation fairly well (actually I am not so sure how well it served them).

These deeply held beliefs helped create my reality, the way I operate in the world and they can create imbalance and illness in any of us. Of course, symptoms and syndromes are complex, usually with multiple contributing factors, genetics, injury or trauma, diet, exercise, posture, losses, personal habits, as well as bio-psychosocial environment. I would add spiritual to that integration of the whole person. I believe there is partial truth that we create our own reality, as we think and believe, so we become. Of course, reality is also what happens when we are making other plans (thank you, John Lennon) And try to argue with any Viet Nam vet against the truth that “shit happens”. “Don’t mean shit”, no purpose or explanation, grand plan, or will of God. In the face of unbearable trauma, grief, horror,and survivors guilt there is no purpose in it. It would be too painful to believe otherwise. Yet, living with the belief in meaninglessness and random chance, a cold empty, hostile universe does not create a healthy balanced life, open to joy and mystery and yes, redemptive suffering….. (whoops, is that one a wisdom saying or just more legacy of Irish Catholic justification of being miserable, turn it into a virtue?)

So, if I have created or contributed to the creation of my pain syndrome, and I become aware of the imbalance, false belief or distorted mind/body set, I may be able to heal, uncreate it, by changing how I do, think, believe. I believe our health is much more in the “how” than the “what” we think, say, do. The rest is genetics, history, shit happens, things I cannot change. It may be grandiose to think I can change even the how I think, say, do things. But it seems worth a try. When it comes to change, as Eckhardt Tolle (and I suspect other sages) have said, if things are out of balance or causing distress, I have 3 choices. I can change the situation, I can leave it, or I can radically accept it. The fourth choice is I can continue to complain and whine and resist “what is”, which creates more suffering and is useless. I want to ask myself what is the wisest, most compassionate choice. And if trying one choice doesn’t work, I am free to try another. (aside, does God change, can He/she change his/her mind, is God growing and learning, trying new things as eons pass? That is a topic for another time).

I used to try to be utterly reliable, still a bit calcified at times. But I am learning that it is not only ok to change my mind, it is inevitable and necessary if I am paying attention to what is, with integrity. The only constant is change. Jesus said “heaven and earth may pass away but my words will never pass away.” One of Buddha’s fourfold truths, I believe, is the reality of constant change, transitory; everything is passing away. As long as I cling to things out of fear and attachment, I will remain on the wheel of samsara, suffering. So, how to break the habit of clinging, attachment, and holding on out of fear and the false belief that I am able to control what happens. Tsk, tsk, that eez thee qvestion of the day…. Please tell me if you figure it out. It’s a pain in the neck…..

One factor that has seemed out of balance for me is structured, planned, responsible work, versus spontaneous, creative, flow. I do experience these qualities in psychotherapy with patients, but I have not left room and/or energy enough in my own life. I sense, I hope, I suspect there may be another gift within me waiting, possibly clamoring in my body to be born. As I enter into “eldering”‘ I seek to be “generative” for the community in which I live, to distill some wisdom, nugget, or experience into something creative and new, original from my one life to contribute, bring forth.
If there is truth in the adage, “Don’t die with your song still in you”, let it out. If I don’t sing out that song, give that ungiven gift, it may twist me in knots, make me wish I were dead for stifling it.

So, the bottom line for me here, now, is how to find my creative muse, how to create enough space and time and unpatterned energy to allow something creative and new to arise. Something has to die to make room and fuel for something to be born; it is the cycle of life. This travel and writing this blog is a way I am seeking to invoke, call forth the creative muse of writing. What is here, now? And write what comes up from inner and outer encounters. In honor of the Celtic imagination and mythos, the poem below is a great one. Enjoy.

The Song of Wandering Angus,

William B. Yeats

I went out to the hazel wood
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand
And hooked a berry to a thread
And when white moths were on the wing
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in the stream
And caught a silver trout.

When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire aflame,
But something rustled on the floor
And someone called my name:
It had become a glittering girl
With apple blossoms in her hair,
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.

Though I am old with wanting
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and time are done
The silver apples of the moon
The golden apples of the sun.